Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.