Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
You Might Also Like
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.