So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
can’t believe I got front row seats