I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Life cycle of cat
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch