“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Herpes is trending, good job people
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
🤣✨#caturday
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year