*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉