[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Well, that didn’t work.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Oh the world we live in…
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.