At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Meow?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.