My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Venn
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
yeet
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends