Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street