Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Here’s a meme
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same