how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I put the mess in domestic.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A drum solo but on your face.