Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Mood.. 😂
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party