I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile