doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang