At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.