Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free