Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM