[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
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Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick