[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
describing stardew valley
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.