Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I feel seen.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”