It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
A woman drives into a bar.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
What?!?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby