Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Why are bridges so flammable.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Taking phone security to the next level.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything