RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Why I divorced her.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.