interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
You Might Also Like
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
…u ok Nintendo?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.