Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me when my alarm goes off
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
do what now??
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…