All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
how long have you had this for?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Always a metermaid never a meter
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild