Mmmm canned fish.
You Might Also Like
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
And that about sums it up.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year