CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.