Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float