Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
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I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.