mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.