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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Follow me for more life hacks.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille