I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
also my go-to takeaway order
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.