I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.