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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
sistine chapel
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert