[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Start the year as you intend to continue.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Pickled cat.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.