I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
You wish you had this many chins.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Beware of the dog..
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday