You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
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If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR