Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!