They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies