Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
How can I say no to this ?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.