then why did i get this email
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Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
the answer was staring at me all along
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”