This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
pictures of spider-man
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
one last job
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*