Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”