Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.