people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Thinking about Jeff