I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.