My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The Punning Dead.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*