Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You Might Also Like
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
The symmetry is uncanny.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Ha.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?